Friday, June 23, 2006

The Self-Nailing Crucifix.

This is for my mate Gordon, and a number of others who have picked up on it through out some of my posts here.

During many late night ecclesiastical discussions between myself and the Anti-Pope (ours being a very accommodating religion, we see no need to have all this infighting with fire and brimstone stuff, between Pope and Anti-Pope, so we regularily meet for the odd pint, bottle of wine, couple of bottles of mead), many is the time we have turned our discussion to futile and bizarre forms of suicide. Being fairly dark and twisted sorts we look for the most bizarre, gothic, and of course insulting to those “Christian” quarters. You probably know the game, “drowning in a custard filled balloon dropped from a plane over St Paul’s”. This of course raises problems due to the arcane nature of British legislation. It is illegal to try to commit suicide, and to aid the act (see the bloody Christians get everywhere). It’s at about this point the soapbox comes out and I start to rant that “crucifixion is too good for them!” (Christians that is) It must have been sometime around this rant that the thought occurs to us. Self crucifixion! Better then self mutilation (probably). Now it fits most of the criteria, slow painful death, visually impressive, insulting to the church, involves a big cross, I think it ticks all the boxes. Obviously there is the one floor in the plan. The eternal problem of the last nail. How do you complete the crucifixion if you have managed to nail one hand and your feet in place? (try this one at home kids, imagine you’ve fixed the two and attempt the last nail on the front room floor). You can’t push the nail through your hand and then hit the wood with it, the nail would fall out (unless the crucifix where made of balsawood then what’s the bloody point if you’re not going to do it properly?). You can’t hold the nail and the hammer in the same hand. No hammer has a long enough handle to hold it in your mouth and hit the nail, and even if it did (try holding a broom in your mouth and hitting your outstretched hand, absolutely ridiculous) it is too much work to complete the job. I do hope all the children are trying these exercises at home as we go along.

So what is the solution. Simple The (soon to be patented) All New Self-Nailing Crucifix.

How does it work? I hear you cry.

Turn all the nails the other way round (points sticking outward, make them big enough to pass through the wood and give you a reasonable length on the other side). Sharpen the ends. Then all you need to do is position yourself in front of the cross, impale your hands on the sharpened ends and kick the ladder away. Job done.
I'll be taking orders after the presentation. Queue to the left please.
Thank You.


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8 Comments:

Anonymous Lynn said...

Yes, but does it KILL you? I think that is the important question that people are going to want to know. Rate of failed suicide on this contraption. You need to do a study.

What is mead?

27 June, 2006 17:25  
Blogger Pisces Iscariot said...

Perhaps we should be developing the 'self crucifying zealot' program. Takes all the technical problems out of the equation.

28 June, 2006 00:21  
Blogger meekon5 said...

Lynn, crucifixion is a slow and painful death.

“You die of asphyxiation. Hanging by your arms makes it more and more difficult to expand your chest until you can no longer draw air into your lungs. One of the reasons that the Romans would break the legs of the crucified was to speed up their death - they could not take any weight on their legs and the whole body was hanging by the arms. Actually it is asphyxiation by drowning. The reason I state this is asphyxiation can imply a fairly quick and painless death. In the case of crucifixion you very slowly drown as the chest and abdominal muscles tire and fluid collects in the lungs. This can take any where from several hours to several days. This, coupled with the heat stress and dehydration, it makes for a very bad day.
( As an aside, it should also be noted that the Romans probably tied the wrists to the cross, and nailed the hands on to make sure the victim could not pull his hands free. If nails were used with no rope, the weight of the body would simply rip the nails through the hands. It has been mentioned that the nails were usually placed between the Radius and Ulna bones in the forearm, as they could support the weight. Presumably it was both the combination of the ropes and nails that held the victim in place. Interesting that you never see Christian stigmata’s showing rope marks on the wrist and nail marks on the fore-arms, and most images of Christ show him supported only by nails through the hand... )”

28 June, 2006 09:11  
Blogger meekon5 said...

As for mead, the drink of the gods. It is allegedly the oldest form of alcoholic drink known to human kind. Fermentations of natural honey (the less refined the honey the more natural yeast the honey has). Probably, originally, (I like this image but don’t care how accurate it is) a tree being hit by lightening exposed a bee hive which then flooded. Along comes Cro-Magnon man (or woman) looking for a refreshing drink only to find the honey and yeasts have fermented to produce a fairly potent brew. Mead itself is mentioned in the bible, the Rig-Veda, the Aeneid, and Beowulf. Mead was sacred to Bacchus, the Roman god of wine. Being a devotee of Bacchus (Baccus for the anglasised) I drink it during my Pagan devotions.

28 June, 2006 09:35  
Blogger meekon5 said...

I have tested my mead links perhaps they will help?

28 June, 2006 09:41  
Blogger meekon5 said...

Pisces what a lovely image all those zealots protesting their surety and riotousness by hanging themselves from crucifixes. Though it may actually speed global warming due to the number of trees needed. (Take a note to self, design alternative green friendly crucifix, prototype hemp and cardboard based models).

28 June, 2006 09:48  
Blogger Lee said...

I can see that being a big hit in the K-tel section of the midnight to dawn TV bracket. Does it come with steak knives?

29 June, 2006 10:39  
Blogger meekon5 said...

I'd put it in the "Gothic Paraphernalia" aisle. I sure we could include a life time sharpness guarantee with each unit though (:-))

29 June, 2006 10:44  

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