Friday, May 12, 2006

On Children.

I didn’t like children when I was one, I don’t particularly like them now. I especially don’t like to have people who have had children tell me how fantastic the experience is.

I have often heard it said “Having children makes you grow up quickly!”
Then people ramble on in platitudes about increased responsibility, maturity, and the benefits of rearing kids.

Be assured this may be so. But only as a result of having to drag a mindless sucking leach like thing into the, and around the, world for some fifteen to twenty years before you can legally throw them out and regain control of your life.

Basically children are ecologically, economically, and psychologically unsound.

Ecologically unsound:

Not only is the world already overburdened by over population. But the obnoxious toxic excretions of the things are downright unthinkable. Why bother even re-cycling that wine bottle if your pushing around one of the inexhaustible little shit machines. Think of the mountains of used nappies that pack the ever increasing number of land fill sites around the world.

Economically unsound:

Tell me, do, how much more money would you have to spend on yourself if it wasn’t for little Bobby, or Bobbette, whining about the latest Barbie, Ken action thing atroscity that they will just die if they have to do without. Also please consider the strain on the already thinly depleted resources of the world.

Psychologically unsound:

Imagine if you would the cumulative strain and ware caused by almost twenty years of psychological warfare over bath time, bed time, or what time they should be home, “and no, whatever you do don’t pick me up right outside the school disco”, “and you will never understand modern music because you were born just before the dinosaurs were.” And don’t think you’ll get away with just twenty years, you will be worrying for the rest of your life.

Monkies can have children. Having children is not a clever thing. It’s a biological function. Not having children is the right way to go. In fact I had a particularly good shit this morning. It may not grow up to cure cancer, but it stands a good chance of being elected prime minister though.

Oh and by the way if you do have children, you’re not the first to do so. Remember your parents, and unfortunately you wont be the last. I’m sure some witty individual made similar comments to our parents and they unfortunately didn’t listen either.

To be honest with you yes children change your life, but then what sexually transmitted parasite that takes twenty years to get rid of wouldn’t.
Simon Kennedy 15/08/2005. Performed (The Cha Cha Bar).


Blogger ill man said...

So you'll be up for some babysitting at the weekend then..............?

15 May, 2006 21:22  
Blogger meekon5 said...

On the first performance of this (in that quiet moment of shock it leaves most poeple with) my best mate was heard to say "that's my son's godfather that is!"

16 May, 2006 08:30  

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