On Vampyres (with a ‘Y’).

Why are vampires not short fat bald guys. I must ask, if statistically so few people look like Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise, why does Hollywood insist that the archetypal vampire look like them? What happens to the ordinary looking person? What happens to the less than beautiful when they are given the kiss of eternal life? Or is it that they are just fodder for, and not part of, the chosen? If you are bald does your hair grow back? Do vampires only bite good looking people? If so how would they continue to prosper and exist, just choosing the better looking? I seriously doubt that!

Also studying the very nature, and situation, of vampires suggests that they would want to be the very anti-thesis of glamorous, rich, obvious, and famous, individuals.

If vampires were to exist they would more obviously be the person next to you on the night bus, the accountant, the man in the late night cinema, the woman alone in the bar. Vampires are the plain people, un-noticeable and un-noticed.

In fact the banal, mundane nature of the vampires has probably funded the Hollywood glam hype. The perfect misdirection.

Watch your back. Cover your neck. And never, never, trust the guy who looks like he wants to sell you double glazing. The short, fat, bald guy, in the street is more likely to suck the life from your neck, than the tall supine blond dressed unimaginably all in black.

Simon Kennedy 04/05/2005. Performed 09/03/2005 (The Cha Cha Bar).