Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Kalashnikov Party!

To be completely honest with you I have had a pretty rant free few weeks. This is mainly because the stress and tension has pushed me to new limits. In my terms that means I have had a couple of instances when I have not been amused (slight loss of sense of humour). In other peoples terms this is the sort of point one would be running up and down the high street with a kalashnikov. One of my favourite fantasies actually.
“Burberry, I hate bloody Burberry!” Daga, daga, daga, dag!
“And you look at me funny every bloody morning!” Daga, daga, daga, dag!
“Put the bloody mobile phone down now!” Daga, daga, daga, dag!
“No that tee shirt is not clever, nor is it funny!” Daga, daga, daga, dag!
“Shell suit! Shell suit! You deserve no better!” Daga, daga, daga, dag!
“It’s a pedestrian bloody precinct! Get off the bloody bike you twat!” Daga, daga, daga, dag!
Actually I can’t decide if I prefer kalashnikov or Uzi as my weapon of choice (Here I would like to just mention the idiocy of the web-filtering program for “The Castle”. I cannot access the kalashnikov site from work “The Websense category "Weapons" is filtered.” But can easily get onto the Uzi site without any problem, arseholes).

I complete my contract with The Castle this Friday. I am in the process of documenting all of my spreadsheets, etc, so the person who is taking over from me (who when they joined the department could not even cut and paste in excel, but must have interviewed really well, because I didn’t get the job, because I interviewed poorly) can have my skill set, which is odd because as they got the job and I didn’t they must have a better skill set than I (anyone detect a vain of frustration and bitterness here?). Daga, daga, daga, dag! Boooooooom!

Having spent the last year or two attending interviews (even for the council here) and not getting anywhere (or anything, jobwise that is), I am taking a week off (that’s not necessarily by choice) then joining a company that specialises in call centres for all sorts of people (as a technical liaison between a helpdesk and their suppliers). So the airwaves are likely to be quiet from this agent for a few weeks.

Though I may have to join the local library to keep this updated.

My court appearance to battle my mortgage company for possession of my house (Daga, daga, daga, dag!) is at the end of the month. I spent all last week waiting to hear from my financial advisors (read debt advisors there). Who when they eventually talked to me seemed to be disconcertingly laid back about the whole process (“shit, should I be packing my goods and chattels into boxes in anticipation, or buying a dog to tie with a piece of string to sit next to my hat, or should I be putting the champagne on ice already?").

Sod it, back to the high street Daga, daga, daga, dag! Daga, daga, daga, dag! Daga, daga, daga, dag! Daga, daga, daga, dag!
“F*ck you!” Daga, daga, daga, dag!
“FCUK, spell it properly!” Daga, daga, daga, dag!
“Put that in the bloody bin!” Daga, daga, daga, dag!
"Don't spit your chewing gum out there you retard!" Daga, daga, daga, dag!

“Now the headlines. Today in the United Kingdom, police marksmen had to end the life of a forty one year old male on Portsmouth high street, who had somehow obtained a kalashnikov and was randomly shooting bystanders, whilst screaming obscenities at them!”



Technorati Tag: , , , , kalashnikov, Uzi , Mass Murder, psychotic.

9 Comments:

Blogger mullet said...

i live in shell-suit hell! do you work for the council now? Apparently, council workers are mostly related to one another and have special lingo for these interviews

08 August, 2006 20:19  
Blogger ill man said...

Simon, do you do requests? If so, could I have a few rounds fired into the arse of the next person that takes half an hour at the cash machine when i'm on me lunch break?

Ace post!

08 August, 2006 22:59  
Blogger mullet said...

with said condition......nevermind, i was gonna say something - then thought no

09 August, 2006 00:49  
Blogger meekon5 said...

mullets, inbreading that explains the high level of "lifers" here in the council. No wondeer I can't get a job ("This is a local council, this is, for local people, we don't want any of your sort round here!")

Ill man, just for you:

"You at the cash machine, too long mate!" Daga, daga, daga, dag!

09 August, 2006 08:23  
Blogger mullet said...

i absolutely love the league of gentlemen - my all time favourite! Pauline - excellent! my man's display pic used to be papa lazarou... my sister asked if it was jerry sadowitz! hahahaha I'm laughing now thinking about the league of gentlemen

09 August, 2006 17:44  
Blogger Pisces Iscariot said...

Uzis are good - according to hollywood you can use two at once - more pedestrians per square inch!

09 August, 2006 18:52  
Blogger meekon5 said...

But the kalashnikov is so much more personal though pisces.

10 August, 2006 08:26  
Blogger SafeTinspector said...

“No that tee shirt is not clever, nor is it funny!”
-My personal favorite, and a pet peeve of mine. Even if the joke was funny ONCE, don't you think that by the end of the day everyone you know will be sick of reading it every time they look at your sorry ass?

10 August, 2006 12:52  
Blogger meekon5 said...

There is a great site that sells tee shirts of the flavour "Oh no ot another Che Guavara tee shirt!" I'll dig the link out later.

30 August, 2006 12:26  

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