I have not written for a little while now (days, a week probably) because I have had a piece (of writing) that has been nagging at me to be written, but it has proved somewhat difficult to produce.
Crying is something that, as a grown man, I find difficult to talk about to anyone. Which in itself I think exasperates the problem. I have, in the past, actually cried in public, usually in some disreputable drinking establishment. But that’s usually about some trivial thing like the break-up of, yet again, another relationship (big soft twat that I am).
As you can see I am even having problems writing about what I need to say here.
Having passed through a long bought of clinical depression, taken the medication, stopped taking the medication, come through the other side and returned to work (finally, though not in the work I was doing). I still find myself defining my life in the terms of a line from a song (those of you who have read any of my writing may notice a certain music orientated obsession, many quotes from songs etc). The particular line is “I have good days, and I have bad days, and a good day ain't got no rain!”
I’m not sure if it is still the “after shock” of the depression, I realise it may take me quiet a long time to properly “get well” again. Or the fact that I have totally failed to re-establish myself in the work that I was doing. Or even the fact that I have managed to let a certainty of a job go by, without taking it up, and failed to get any of the other jobs I have tried to obtain. Also the impending court appearance to try and stop my mortgage company repossessing my house.
What ever the reason I find myself more and more predisposed to end up in tears for the most ridiculous reasons. Usually during the evening. I’ll be watching television, and some stupid comedy, or film will have a single phrase that just reduces me to a blubbering wreck. It’s happening more and more often at the moment. Luckily it’s not in public, just in my front room, in front of the television. Things have got so bad that I even started watching “Paul McKenna will make you thin” (or whatever that’s called) and found even that had me in tears (though this could be understandable). I now try and avoid anything that is likely to have deep dark depressing themes, anything that may have “life affirming” statements in it, even bloody children’s cartoons (case in point was a dammed episode of Yu-Gi-Oh the other week). I am more and more pushed towards reading books again. But even they are problematic. I start identifying with the lead characters and then suffer their fates and fears. I am becoming an emotional wreck. I’m going to have to start wearing a bag over my head to go out in public. I wont be able to risk seeing a child drop an ice cream and me bursting into tears.
I have been living my life on the edge of an abyss for the last two years and occasionally the very motivation to even leave the house is so hard to muster, I nearly turn round and just go back to the sofa. I know this is no good, I know this will undo everything I have achieved, but some times, some days, you will find me just standing behind my front door, hand on the door handle, just trying to build up the courage to step outside.
The abyss calls, the abyss widens, the abyss pulls at me, always there, always dark always waiting for the moment when I am not concentrating, when that little thing has just pushed me too far. Just waiting.
Maybe I should just turn all the lights off and sit in the dark! In the fridge perhaps!
Well its bloody raining here in Portsmouth today. So think of me this evening, as you prepare for bed, sitting there with tears bursting forth in my little front room, not really knowing why.
Yours with a tear in my eye.
Blog , Humor, Humour, meekon5, Obsession, Surviving Depression, Depression, Crying.